you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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