I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
