i was born a porn star she said
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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