I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize