yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
