i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
