you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
