My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
