I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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