the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
