o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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