paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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