thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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