i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
