hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
