I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
