I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
