i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
