Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Randomize
