home. puking in laundry basket.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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