Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
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I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
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Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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