I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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