wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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