Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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