I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
