I am in a vortex of obligation.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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