The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
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You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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