So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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