Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
