Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
