i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
