Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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