but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
