What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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