she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
