Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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