I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
