He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
