what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
