You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
