My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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