Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
