Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
