you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She told me I should be a condom model.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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