My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
