a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
