If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
