Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
