I can text with my tongue
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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