she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
