fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
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