thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
