My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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