Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
