Taylor Swift is so right about you.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
