I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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