you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
