i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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