Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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