sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
